not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
