well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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