i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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