I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize