I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
