My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
