I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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