The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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