i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
