I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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