I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
