This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
