I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
