I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
