and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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