Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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