Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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