I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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