the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
