You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
