God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
