I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
