I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
