I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
