How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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