I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
