I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
sex in a hospital.. check
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
