Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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