someone owes me an orgasm
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
