hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
