Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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