what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
