It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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