Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
