I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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