I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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