doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
