there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i've created a new STD.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
