Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
