I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
