my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
