I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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