my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
