Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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