Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
