After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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