My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
