Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
