I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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