It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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