I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
