We named our party play list daddy issues
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
