I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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