I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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