She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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