I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
