Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
