He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
