JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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