Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We have so much sex to catch up on
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
