i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
